This blog post is 1/3 parts covering lessons 1-5. The remaining 10 lessons will be covered in Part 2 (6-10) and Part 3 (11-15).
This coming week sees me enter my Golden Years; that’s right, 50 years of me!! This milestone doesn’t scare me in the least; in fact, I am celebrating reaching this far with my mind, body and spirit (mostly) intact!
Those of you who have followed me for a while in The Hive – Self care and wellbeing Hub on Facebook (all welcome), or who have visited this blog before, will know that 10 years ago last week I was told by my Dr that if I didn’t make significant changes to my physical and mental health, I wouldn’t live to see my 50th. Those of you who are new here, or who would like a reminder of my story and how I got back on track with my physical and mental health are invited to read My Journey to Self Care Part 1 and Part 2.
Ten years on from the shock of being told I might not last the next decade, and 15 years on from really being in a very bad place with looking after myself, I want to share with you some lessons have I learned and, frankly, wished I’d learned a heck of a lot sooner!
But a word on self-care in general first…….
When we think of self-care, we often thing of these things:
And, we wouldn’t be wrong to do so; there is lots of merit in regularly taking time out for many of these activities, and much of our physical and mental health relies on them. However, these things are not the be all and end all of self-care; there are other things that we don’t necessarily think as being acts of self but nonetheless, definitely are. For example:
So, let’s unpick 1-5 of these (6-15 will be discussed in Parts 2 and 3) and see what the lessons are to be had from them.
1. Be kind to yourself, always
Our inner thoughts have a heck of a lot of power. Ours is a voice that is constantly with us, and we listen, even when we talk to ourselves subconsciously.
Have a think about the things you say to yourself. Think about how conscious you are in the things you think and say to and about yourself. Think about whether you use self-depreciating humour; whether you call yourself names; whether you ever big yourself up. Try and be as specific as you can in this thinking. Now have a think about what someone else might feel or how someone else might react if you said, messaged, wrote the things to them that you say to yourself.
Have a think about whether those things would make that person feel happy, supported and loved. Or whether they would feel upset, demotivated and even angry. The answer to that thinking is exactly how your subconscious will be receiving what YOU are saying to YOURSELF. It becomes your schema, your script. If you wouldn’t want to give that script to a friend or family member, then please, don’t give it to yourself.
Other than following this and the next 14 self-care tips, one way to be kind to and about yourself is to practice talking to yourself in the way you would talk to a friend or your child etc. Affirmations can be a great way to reverse the script and rehearse a new or different schema, along with mindfulness, noticing glimmers and being conscious in our thought patterns. I have 12 affirmations that I use regularly to help me and my clients think about ourselves more positively. They are part of a 52 card self care and mindset deck I have produced called ‘Coach In My Pocket’, currently with a 50% for readers of this blog.
2. If it feels wrong, stop and walk away.
One of the most powerful images I have ever seen is this one:
It really does show the power of stepping away from things that feel wrong, aren’t our bag, or no longer align with where and what we are. It may be people, jobs, goals, decisions, political ideologies, circumstances, locations, in fact, absolutely anything.
It’s okay to have enjoyed something or someone up until now. It’s okay to value that time and those people in your life. But, it is incredibly unhealthy to keep aligning and connecting with things and people that are no longer going where you are, no longer on your page, so to speak. If things, people, places don’t fit with who you are and what you want from life and it feels wrong, it is absolutely okay, and sometimes necessary, to stop and walk away. You get one life; make it yours.
Emotional Intelligence is a crucial skill to have in understanding when it’s time to step away from something or someone. But how do we get better at knowing ourselves and our emotions? The easy answer is knowing ourselves aka self awareness. But it’s also not quite that simple.
So, here’s a way of breaking the important factors down so we can work on it more easily:
1. Self Awareness: knowing your ‘triggers’; exploring your responses; trusting yourself and what you are feeling.
2. Relationship Management: showing and expressing feelings healthily; observe and reflect; creating transparency and trust.
3. Emotion Management: naming emotions; reframing and understanding emotions; recognising emotions as indicators of what is happening and focusing our attention into action.
4. Social Awareness: observing what’s going on around you for others; understanding the impact for them and for you; taking action to manage your emotions and/or support others emotions
Interesting and powerful stuff and for more information on these, check out Daniel Goleman’s ‘Four Domains of Emotional Intelligence and Twelve competencies of EI’
3. Stop people pleasing for validation.
Are you a people pleaser? Do you worry about what people think of how you look, what you say and what you do? Can this sometimes mean you do things to keep up appearances, or spend time with people you don’t align with or maybe even like, or do activities you don’t want to do?
One of the things some people find challenging about me, and indeed others love about me, is that I’m not a sheep! I make my own mind up about people and I take them as I find them. And I expect them to do the same with me. I don’t listen to rumours and I’m not bowled over by air kisses and popularity.
If I find your character appealing and akin to my values, I really couldn’t care less what other people think of you. Equally however, if I find your character wanting or unappealing to me, I couldn’t care less if everyone thinks the sun shines out of your bottom.
Reputation is often just for show, integrity is what is important. Doing the right thing because it’s the right thing. Being yourself and being true to yourself is way more important than faking it or doing things just to gain a good reputation or popularity. Character and integrity are all that really matter.
I follow a lady on socials called Elyse Myers She recently posted a video where she said this:
‘It’s not your job to make people love you. It’s your job to show people who you are and allow them the opportunity to love you if they want. If they don’t, please let them walk away…..don’t be a shapeshifter to please others’.
Changing or doing things or being a certain type of person so people like you is EXHAUSTING! As I get older, I am less concerned with the NUMBER of people in my life and more determined to make sure I have the RIGHT people in my life. This has largely come about by learning to love myself for me, and understanding that trauma played a part in my need for validation . In addressing my trauma, I resolved the need to please others to give my life meaning.
The truth is the things one person finds difficult about you will be the exact same thing that draws another person to you. Learn to like yourself for who you are and if YOU aren’t happy with any aspect of yourself, then it is up to you to work on that. But do it for you, not because someone else says you are too much or not enough.
One of the great aspects of the tapestry of human life and nature is that everyone is different and unique and amazing. Let’s celebrate that about ourselves. Be drawn to people who spark and meet your energy, whatever level that is at. Don’t expect others to change for you, and certainly don’t feel bent to change for others. Celebrate who you are and be proud of it. Be true to you and build good character. Those that like that and see that will be attracted to you. Reputation without character is transparent and, if we’re honest, really rather exhausting to keep up.
Ps. The only proviso to this ethos of being you regardless of how others receive that is when it comes to abusive behaviours; these are never okay and need to be changed if you are perpetrating them.
4. Chase and Achieve your dreams.
Dreams are powerful things. The other night I dreamt I had an operation on my feet and the doctors put them back on my legs the wrong way around. It was SO vivid and the next day my feet feel really odd; I keep looking at them expecting them to be all twisty and wrong!!! I’ve also had other vivid dreams in the past and they’ve stuck with me all day.
But what about our dreams that are of the goal kind? Are they as powerful? Do they stay with you? Absobloodylutely they do, if you let them! What do you dream about doing or being or achieving? Is it a powerful enough dream that it’s going to come to something?
If you could wake up tomorrow and have achieved a dream you’ve harboured, what would it be? What action could you take today that could make that dream a reality. There will be different steps you need to take in 1 week or 1 month or 1 year to make or maintain the change your dream needs. But what’s that first step? What’s stopping you? You don’t have to see the first step to see the whole staircase, but you will never see the landing unless you take that first step.
Here’s the 5 Ws to help you plan to turn your dream in to reality…..
What? (What is the dream and desired outcome?) Why? (What is your purpose in this?) How? (How are you going to achieve it?) When? (What are your timescales?) Who? (Do you need help from anyone if so who?) The image below is a card from Coach in My Pocket to help you with this more.
(Copyright R.Baker of Razza Bee Coaching)
Motivation can be a tough nut to crack because to be motivated requires, eh motivation! So, a really helpful way to become or stay motivated is to break it down in to its components and work on those……
Goals: What are yours and why are they important to you? What will you gain in achieving them or lose by not reaching them? Which is more important to you? Why?
Attitude: Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re right! Do you have a fixed inset or a growth mindset? They thought they could, so they did! Resilience in your attitude is also important; to keep on keeping on toward your goal even when it’s challenging. Adjust your sails if you need to but keep at it. Your thoughts are intrinsically linked to potential, action and outcome so be careful what you allow yourself to think and believe!
Success: Who’s ruler are you using to measure success? Are your goals SMART? Are the outcomes your chasing someone else’s idea of success or yours? Success comes in many shapes and forms; what does it mean to you?
Performance: If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. Do something different if what you’re doing isn’t working. Take small SMART steps. Celebrate each of them.
Support: No person is an island and sometimes we need help. Asking for help is absolutely a strength. Who, what, when, when, how are useful questions you can ask yourself about the support you need.
Ideas: Be creative in your goal setting, actions and thoughts. There is always a way around or through a challenge. What has worked for you in the past? What would you like to do? What ways are there to make that happen?
Have a think and see which components are a challenge for you right now and how you can address them. One step at a time.
5. Trust yourself and your instincts.
Trusting ourselves and our instincts could be talking about those feelings in our guts, our Spidey senses if you like. And I think there is merit in thinking in this way. However, I also think trusting ourselves and our instincts is more complex than just a gut feeling. I think those are influenced by so much more than feelings; they are influenced by our thoughts, beliefs, and our very core of who we are.
I think this old Cherokee story illustrates my point in a concise way:
‘One evening, an elderly man told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.The other wolf is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked, “Grandpa, which wolf wins?” The old man simply replied, “The one that you feed.”’
This is really talking about mindset and the idea that we are what we think. I believe that our instincts are strongly influenced by these, as is our capacity to put trust ourselves when making choices.
The wolf you feed, either through your thoughts, actions, or habits, will grow stronger and you will follow that stronger scent, as a wolf would. If your instincts are to follow the wolf of healthy thoughts and actions, then your instincts will lead to a fulfilling life. You will make ‘good’ and healthy choices, and you will be someone who others draw energy from, and who enjoy being around. And most importantly, you will enjoy yourself and your life much more than by being led by the ‘bad’ wolf.
Of course, everyone has competing emotions and sometimes conflict of thoughts. We also all have good days and bad days, days where we feel great and motivated, and days where we feel low and grumpy. But everyone also has an overriding mindset, a sail that sets the direction of our voyage (to be a bit poetic!). And this will be very much governed by the wolf you feed the most.
So, what is your overriding mindset and where will your instincts take you? Which wolf do you feed the most? Which do you feed about yourself? Which do you feed about other people? Which do you feed about your situation? If you decide after having a think that you are feeding the wrong wolf and you want to nourish the one that is more positive and healthier, what can and will you do to ensure that happens? What steps will you take? What new thinking do you need to have?
And now……..
We have reached the end of Part 1 of Important Lessons in Self-Care: 15 things I learned before 50 (Part 1). Parts 2 and 3 to this blog are coming soon but for now, take time to read, digest and work on Lessons 1-5 above. Don’t forget to visit the Razza Bee Coaching shop to pick up your copy of Coach In My Pocket, which will help you navigate all the lessons (1-15) in self-care. They will also help you find and harness your buzz and vavavoom for life; what’s not to love?!
And if you would like to engage my services as your coach, or have a chat about what coaching is, how it can help you, and if I am the coach for you, please call or Whatsapp me on 07523830377 or email me on razzabeecoaching@gmail.com. Further information about Razza Bee Coaching, and me, Rachel Baker, can be found at www.razzabeecoaching.com
For now though, I’m off to be……
Razza Bee Life Coaching 